Ricky Walker Does Stand-Up

I gave poetry a try when I was depressed so it would only make sense for me to try and come up with a stand-up comedy set when I’m feeling jovial, right? Granted, it won’t seem as funny reading it off a monitor as opposed to actually seeing and hearing the set just trust me, it’s hilarious. One last thing, I came up with an on-stage persona by the name of Richard Churches who is the loser version of yours truly (essentially the high school version of yours truly.)

Now introducing, Richard Churches!!!

Hey everybody. This is my first time doing stand-up so be kind. Honestly, I don’t think I’m that funny but most of my friends say I am so I wanted to prove them wrong. Now that I think about all my friends find me funny. All 4…check that, all 3 of ‘em.

Now I know what some of you may be thinking, “Churches, that’s a weird last name. It’s even weirder when you’re an atheist with the last name Churches. I’m not really an atheist, but my friends all go to a public junior high school and don’t know what agnostic means.

If I had to choose a religion though, I’d probably go with Rastafarianism. I’m sure you guys could probably guess why, right… It’s the hair. I’d love to have dreadlocks. But seriously, I’m down with any religion that embraces marijuana as much as those guys do. I would be in Mass everyday, twice a day, if I was a Rastafarian. Praise be to ganja!

Besides, I need a new dealer since my last one moved away. He’s actually living in a gated community now, Riker’s Island. Yeah, he’s in jail. What sucks is that it was my fault too. The cops caught me with a joint on the street so I thought by snitching, they would just let me go. Bastards arrested my friend and STILL made me pay that stupid $100 fine those assholes. Well ex-friend I should say, he was friend number 4 I mentioned earlier.

We were actually still cool after he got locked up but after a while he took me off of his visitors list since I would keep showing up asking for an ounce of weed. He didn’t find it funny. I mean, I didn’t think he could get into anymore trouble but apparently jails have this thing called ‘solitary confinement’ where they keep a prisoner isolated for a long period of time which my friend wasn’t a big fan of for some reason. I don’t know why because if I was in Riker’s I’d much rather be isolated and not have to constantly worry about getting shanked or getting raped. Besides, I’d still have my right-hand and my vivid imagination so I could keep myself busy for quite some time…

Well that’s all I came up with so far. I might go back later and fix it up a bit and add some more material if I feel like it.

*Any comedian found retelling any part of this material without the express written consent of Ricky Walker will be condemned by Ricky Walker on facebook AND twitter.*

Just The Way I Was Feeling at the Time...

Unanswered

I wish I could practice what I preach.
There's a lot for me to learn, but no one wants to teach.
Feeling like I'm on a short leash. What I want, just out of reach.

So I too say fuck it because no one else really cares.
People say they're my friends but no ones truly there.
Not with a kind word. Not even a silent prayer.

I can only see the world through my eyes and my vision has gotten blurry.
But these problems are my own. I no longer expect anyone else to worry.
Cries for help go unanswered. I just wish the end would get here, and hurry.

My 3rd Poem

Nothing says emo like a poem so here's another one from the twisted mind of Ricky Walker...

Talking to Myself

I wake up every morning with a pain in my chest.
Could it be from a lack of love or is it too much stress?
I should go to a doctor but I go to my dealer instead.
Bottle up my problems 'cause dealing with 'em brings up feelings I dread.

I gotta talk to myself 'cause I'm the only one who listens.
Had some good friends, but now I never see 'em. I miss them.
You see, you would think I'm an arsonist from the bridges I've burned.
I grew up with the mentality of a narcissist, but now I've learned
that the amount of love you get is determined by how much you give in return.

But I'm still sleeping too damn much, I need a reason to live.
Find a good job, a wife, have a few kids.
Instead here I am now with nothing. It is what it is.
No. Fuck that. Stop bitching because everyday is a gift.

Gotta keep moving. Can never stay still.
I can still be whatever I want, that's my power of will.

My 2nd Poem

Anyone who knows me knows that I may be the least artistic person on the planet. I could never really draw or write anything all that meaningful. With that said, boredom is a hell of a motivator so sitting at home alone I decided to pick up a pen and dabble in poetry. Below is the second poem I've ever written (the first one is pretty personal and depressing and I wouldn't want to subject my loyal readers to that). So without further ado, I now present to you, Ricky Walker's poem #2.

Words to Live By

My mind was in a daze.
I was hating my current ways.
Regretting wasted days
when I HAD to smoke that haze.

Back then, life was like a maze
but looking back, I see it was a phase.
Pursuit of happiness, now my favorite phrase.
Now I wake up every morning, thankful for my days.
Stop crying, no mourning. Positivity is what pays.

But changing was not so simple, at least not for me.
Took a look in the mirror, couldn't see what I could be
then one day I cleared my mind and suddenly I'm free.
Twenty-one wasted years, seems like a steep fee
but my troubles made me who I am and who I'm going to be.

My Twitter War with Nate Robinson and His Minions

Some Reading Material

Out of pure boredom, I decided that I would start reading more, as counterintuitive as that sounds. A friend recommended “Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk” by David Sedaris. Think Aesop meets Tucker Max. It also had pictures so I knew it was going to be good.

There was a short story in the book that I found pretty funny so I figured I’d risk going to jail for violating some copyright laws by reposting it on a blog that I make absolutely no money from. Now would also be a good time to mention that I will be gladly accepting donations/bail money once I figure out how to actually make money off the interwebs. But that’s it from me for now - see the moral I took from the story at the bottom- here’s something from an actual writer.

The Vigilant Rabbit 

A white-tailed doe was discovered one morning disemboweled on the banks of the stream, and the residents of the forest went crazy with fear – "freaked out" was how the sparrow put it. A few days later a skunk was found, no more than a gnawed-upon skull attached to a short leash of spine. Personality-wise, he'd been no great shakes. Neither was he particularly good-looking, but still! Then a squirrel disappeared, and it was decided that something had to be done. A meeting was convened in the clearing near the big oak, and the hawk, who often flew great distances in search of food, proposed that they build a gate. "I've seen one where the humans live, and it seems to work fairly well."

"Work how?" asked a muskrat.

The hawk explained that once the gate was erected, anyone entering the forest would have to stop and identify himself. "It keeps out the riffraff," he said, adding that when bad things happened, that was usually who was responsible – riffraff.

For the second time that day, the muskrat raised his hand. "And what if this riffraff can't be stopped?"

"Then you sound an alarm," the hawk suggested. "It could be anything, really, just so long as it's loud."

The building of the gate was left to the beaver, who had a slight problem with the hinges, but eventually got them right. Just to the side of them he hung a gong fashioned from an old NO TRESPASSING sign. "I figured I could hit it with my tail," he said, and he gave it a whack for good measure.

When the noise had stopped echoing off the surrounding hills, the rabbit stepped forward. "Who elected you to man the gate?" he asked, adding that anyone could hit a sheet of rusted metal, even someone without an oversize tail. At that he picked up a heavy stick and went at it, creating a racket as loud as the beaver's. "I've also got the better hearing," he boasted. "I'm slimmer, I'm faster, and I'm more safety conscious, vigilant, you might say."

All eyes turned to the beaver, who said simply, "Whatever," and waddled back to his lodge.

On the rabbit's first morning as chief of security, he stopped an approaching snake, who looked up at him and laughed until he cried.

"Something funny?" asked the rabbit.

The snake used his tail to wipe a tear from his face. "You idiots," he said. "What good is a gate without a wall?"

"What good is a… huh?"

"It doesn't make any sense," continued the snake. "If an animal doesn't want to enter here, what's to stop him from moving down a few dozen yards and crawling in beside the fallen pine?"

"What's to stop him?" asked the rabbit, and he picked up his heavy stick and bashed the snake's head in. Then he kicked some dirt over the body and wrote NO LAUGHING on the NO TRESPASSING sign.

A short while later a magpie stopped by and pecked at the bits of brain left scattered on the ground in front of the gate. "Not to nitpick," he said between mouthfuls, "but what's to prevent someone from entering by air? You and your friends initiate a no-fly zone?"

"What's to keep you from flying in?" asked the rabbit, and once again he brought down his heavy stick. Then he dug up the snake and hung both it and the dead magpie from the top of his gate. There they could act as visual warnings, proof that he was a force to be reckoned with. When that was done, he added to his sign, which now read: NO TRESPASSING. NO LAUGHING. AND NO STUPID QUESTIONS EITHER. THIS MEANS YOU.

It was a hot, windless day, and within an hour blowflies arrived and settled on the faces of the two dead animals. Their buzzing attracted a frog, who jumped over from the nearby stream, flicked out his tongue, and dined upon them until he was full. Only then did he read the sign and turn to address the rabbit. "Seeing as you don't want jokes or questions, I guess I'll phrase this as a comment," he said. "In order to enter through your gate I'll have to stop and go through your tiresome rigmarole. That kind of BS doesn't interest me much, so instead I'm going to return to my stream and swim into your third-rate, beetle-infested forest."

He turned to leave, and the rabbit, who was nothing if not quick, reached for his heavy stick. Then he hung the frog on his gate and added NO CURSING to his NO TRESPASSING sign.

It wasn't long before an otter came along and went for the crushed frog. Then a badger stopped by, attracted by the smell of the dead otter. As the bodies were heaped upon the gate, it began to tilt. The rabbit propped it up with a fallen branch and then turned his attention to the sign. NO DIRTY LOOKS, he wrote. NO QUESTIONING MY INTEGRITY. NO INSULTING REMARKS ABOUT MY EARS OR MY TEETH. He was just wondering how to spell "insolence" when a shadow fell, and he looked up to see a magnificent white unicorn. His silky mane curled about his neck in waves the colour of buttercups. Equally brilliant was his horn, which looked to be made of gold. At his approach, the rabbit put down his pencil. "State your name and your business."

"I'm a unicorn," said the unicorn, "and I come to bring joy to all the forest creatures."

"Not with that horn you don't," said the rabbit.

"I beg your pardon?"

"I said, lose the weapon."

"The horn is what makes me who I am!"

"Which is unwelcome," said the rabbit. "Now do as I say or beat it."

"But happiness follows wherever I go!" the unicorn protested. "I can make a rainbow just by flicking my tail."

The rabbit reached for his stick.

"If you won't let me through the gate, I'll just jump over it," said the unicorn. And because he was taller than the rabbit and much more powerful, he did just that. "Sorry," he said as he headed into the forest, "but you didn't leave me any choice."

"We'll see about that," muttered the rabbit, and he spat on to the blood-soaked ground.

The unicorn spent the late afternoon making rainbows for all the woodland creatures. Then he caused the wildflowers to bloom and conjured up some berries for a hungry box turtle. As the sun set over the treetops, he settled upon a bed of fragrant moss and fell into a deep sleep.

The following morning, the songbirds woke him. The unicorn yawned and was just about to stand when he noticed the pile of golden shavings scattered across the moss. Then he felt his forehead and galloped to the gate piled high with rotting carcasses. "Who chewed off my horn? he wailed.

The rabbit answered calmly that rules were rules. "If I let you trot around with a weapon on your head, I'd have to let everyone do it."

"But it had magic powers!"

"I said, scram," said the rabbit.

The unicorn, just a common everyday horse now, slunk off toward a field of tall grasses. The rabbit watched him go and then turned back to his sign. "Magic powers indeed," he muttered. "I didn't taste anything special." Again he spat, only this time a diamond came out and landed on the ground beside him. That's what he was staring at when the wolves arrived.

*Moral of the story- Rabbits are Conservative Republicans*

Stop Bitching!

It’s been a while since I’ve updated the blog. It’s my fault, really. Posting something new for a week straight sort of burnt me out. But some things have come up that I have become more cognizant of and feel like I should say something so here it is: ‘Stop all the bitching, people! Seriously.’

We’ve all got our own set of issues and problems that we need to work out. Life would be pretty boring if we didn’t. With that said, not everyone wants to spend their entire day listening to other people bitch and moan about trivial things (why do you think psychologists are paid so well?) Sure, it feels good to vent to a close friend about how crappy your day was at work and school or how miserable you feel in your current relationship and, as a good friend, sometimes you’ve just got to sit there and listen to hours of inconsequential gibberish. But if you have a real problem, sitting around bitching about it will not help and only make you and those closest to you a little more miserable.

We all know at least one person who just simply bitches about eeeeverything. At the airport the other day, I ran into the Bitch Queen. Never have I ever seen someone literally complain about everything, until I met the Bitch Queen. We all know airports suck. It’s a proven fact that we must just all deal with but this lady must not have gotten the memo. I had the great pleasure of standing in front of her on line at the check-in counter. After complaining the entire time to no one in particular about how long the line was and how slow it was moving (service was pretty quick if you ask me,) she makes a big deal about having to take her shoes off at security and having to put her bag through the scanner. She was cute so I placated her as much as I could. We were on the same flight so she decided to tag along because “this stupid airport is too damn confusing.”

As we’re walking to our gate, my thoughts quickly shifted to, ‘I hope there are no complications with the plane while it’s in the air’ to ‘I hope I don’t sit next to her on this flight because I would bring that plane down myself.’ Thankfully, she went with first class and I was in coach. Once we sat down at the gate and waited to board the plane, all hell broke loose with this lady. As if sitting with your flight delayed isn’t inconvenient for the typical airline traveler, try it with someone who would make Kanye West look like Mother Theresa when it comes to douchebaggery. On the bright side, it was good to save battery on my laptop while I was being entertained as this lady berated the airport staff, comparing them to Nazi’s.

It wasn’t until we finally boarded the plane and I got settled in that I thought about how horrible that woman must make her own life. She obviously had money and good health and I gathered from conversation that she was engaged but from simply being around her for a short period of time, she seemed like the most miserable person on Earth and couldn’t fathom why until I ran across an old saying that goes:

“Your problems are only as big as you make them. They can seem like a ripple, or a tidal wave. But you’re always the only one who creates it.”

So, if you’ve got a problem, here’s what you should do instead of bitching: either change the way you assess and handle the situation or remove yourself completely.

But let us delve deeper into this matter, since the unprecedented amount of bitching going on in today’s society very clearly warrants it. No matter what perceived dilemma we may find ourselves in, no single act, person, entity, or thing but ourselves can dictate our reactions to the situation at hand. What I mean by that is, no matter what shitty things may be going on around you, those things do not need to, nor should they, interfere with your emotions or how you feel about yourself. This is not to say I’m trying to convert everyone over to living in a permanent state of blind-optimism. In some cases, the best thing to do is just get the fuck out and never look back. Let’s take a look at a hypothetical example:

This lonely guy has been single for a while and finally meets an attractive girl who’s willing to date him. Ecstatic that a girl like her would be into a guy like him, he is instantly whipped; whatever she wants, he gets her. Upon realizing that he is with a selfish, conceited bitch, our pal must now take a look at the facts and make a decision. Assuming he does what any man with a spine would do and stands up for himself in the relationship, he then faces three certain scenarios: 1. She realizes the error of her ways and makes some much-needed character changes for the betterment of the relationship, 2. She realizes that he is aware of her methods of manipulation and leaves him for another unsuspecting idiot or, 3. She’ll lie and tell him she will work on it and he’ll be dumb enough to stay and believe it.

Assuming our pal chooses the option seemingly most miserable people (at least the constantly-bitching population) would take, scenario #3. Chances are, as his friend, we’re going to constantly hear him bitch about how horrible the relationship is and then when we provide him with the only remaining solution (running away as fast as humanly possible) and chances are, depending on the current level of bitchness our friend has obtained, he doesn’t listen and the constant bitching and moaning ensues until he runs out of friends and bitches about why he doesn’t have friends to his girlfriend until she too leaves him and he’s right back to where he started. Alone.

Many people would rather put up with all the bullshit of being in a miserable relationship simply for those few moments of feeling wanted and needed in an attempt to build up self-esteem and self-worth. Some people will deal with the scum of the earth just to have someone to call a boyfriend/girlfriend or work in miserable conditions just to splurge on the latest piece of electronics. Don’t know about any of you guys, but that doesn’t sound like an even exchange to me.

I used to work a pretty cushy job over at FOXNews. The work was simple and the pay was amazing considering the amount of actual labor put in. Too bad everything else sucked though. I couldn’t help but sit down at my desk every morning feeling absolutely miserable and then leave in the afternoon feeling even worse. Simply put, I hated my job. I could’ve easily stuck around, collected a paycheck, felt worthless, and repeated until I’m old enough to retire. The reason I didn’t is because I value my happiness far more than I value any other unnecessary material goods. Ever since then, I’ve been broke but as happy as ever. (Maybe the homeless are onto something after all. It would at least explain why there’s so many of them.)

I also understand that not everyone is as fortunate to be in the situation I was in regard to my living situation and actually need every paycheck they get to feed themselves and their families. The typical person working two demeaning, minimum wage jobs has every right to bitch about what a bad day they had. The mentally tough person will simply do what they have to do because there is no other choice and be happy to do it because they know it’s for a greater good, which takes us back to that old saying I previously mentioned. Instead of gripping on how tough their day was, a well-adjusted person will take it all in stride because they know they’re doing the right thing. Instead of staying in a destructive relationship just for companionship, someone with proper self-esteem would split and keep looking.

What this all boils down to, at least for me is, I am a big proponent to the old saying, “you can do anything if you set your mind to it.” I truly believe that if we desire something so badly out of life and we make it our mission to obtain it, we will. Even happiness.

I was pretty depressed for a short period after graduating college. What helped me out of it was not crying out for attention so that people would notice me and feel sorry for me and listen to me bitch and moan about how horrible things are. Instead, I took a good, hard look at myself, focused on all of my positive attributes and came up with a plan to change the negative aspects of my life, doing at least one thing a day to make myself a better person. I was unhappy with my situation at the time and made being happy my ultimate goal. I’m still in the discovery process of finding exactly what will make me most happy in life but the confidence and self worth I discovered at the lowest moment in my life has me firmly behind the driver seat on my pursuit of happiness.

In a nutshell, all I’m saying is, instead of being a bitch, stop being a bitch and be awesome instead.

True story.