5 Things I Hate

I know what some of you may be thinking, “Ric, you hypocritical sonofabitch. Didnt you just say in your previous post that haters shouldnt even read your blog and here you are making a list of things you hate? OMG WTF?! Uber-lame.”

To which I would reply…

1. Trolls – Remember back in the good ol’ days when if you heard the word ‘troll’ you probably thought of one of these. Nowadays hearing about trolls congers up images of some loser living in their parents' basement ruining the internet for the rest of us by trying to provoke people with their douche-baggery. And it’s spelled ‘owned’ not ‘pwned.’ Intentional typos aren’t cool. They’re stupid, like trolls.

2. Slow-Walkers – We’ve all heard of road rage but I’m pretty sure I have a bad case of sidewalk rage. Nothing makes me want to sucker punch a stranger in the back of the head more than a slow-walker monopolizing the sidewalk. Unlike you, slow-walker, I have places to be and I don’t want to miss my train because you decided to take a leisurely stroll during rush hour. If you’re not capable of walking at least 3 miles per hour, you probably shouldn’t be walking anyways (I’m talking to you fatties.)

And don’t even get me started with tourists. I swear, if I see another tourist halt all foot traffic in Times Square by stopping every 2 minutes in the middle of a crowded sidewalk to take pictures of national treasures like the Bubba Gump sign, I might just lose it.

3. People Who Don’t Understand the Unwritten Rules of Riding Mass Transit (The Door-Leaner) – There’s nothing worse about the NYC subway system than the assholes who block up the entrance to the train by standing by the train doors when there’s plenty of space everywhere else. And that’s saying something considering bums use that place like it’s a studio apartment.

I get it, if you can’t find a seat on the train, the next best thing is to lean on the doors. That’s all well and good when you’re the only one standing by the doors or on the side of the train were the doors won’t open at every stop. But come rush hour and the train is starting to fill up, stop forcing the rest of us to awkwardly shimmy into the train because you’re too cool to stand in the middle of the train and hold on to a damn pole.

And don’t think I forgot about you, person-with-a-large-object. Don't think you can just sprawl out by the doors just because you’re pushing along a baby in a stroller or a shopping cart filled with empty cans. You more than anyone should be in the middle of the train so that the rest of us unencumbered straphangers don’t have to hurdle over your precious belongings to get in the train. Is that asking for too much?

4. People Who Are REALLY Religious – I’ve got no problem with people who are religious. We’re all looking for answers in life and religion attempts to provide some. My issue is with the people who use religion as the answer to EVERY question. What to eat, what to wear, how to have sex, how to do their hair, etc. (I didn’t intend for that to sound like a Dr. Seuss line but, it works.) 

Life is simple, people. Don’t complicate it by adhering to some myths and stories written in a book thousands of years ago by some guys in robes. Word of God, my ass. I have my doubts that any God would slam heaven’s gate in your face because you have trimmed sideburns[1], tattoos[2], wear polyester[3], or entered a church without testicles[4].

Now, I know some of you may be saying, “But Ric, those outdated laws you have mentioned are in the Old Testament of The Bible which is more related to the Tanakh, the Jewish Bible, and therefore, does not apply to all religions.” To which I would reply, “Shut up, nerd! That’s not the point.” 

Just about every established religion has some questionable content in it that orders some sort of subjection of women and/or regards people who do not follow their religion as enemies that need to be converted or terminated. Plus, I’m pretty sure The Bible is pro-slave. 

But the point I’m trying to make is this, if you religious nuts can condemn homosexuality simply because it’s condemned in The Bible (Leviticus 18:22-You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female; it is an abomination.) you’d better not be shaving your beard or, God forbid, enter a place of worship without a pair of testis.

With all that said, if your religion makes you happy than by all means continue living your life as you see fit but when you want start telling others that what they’re doing is wrong because some book or some person in a silly getup says so, well, you can burn in hell. Which leads me to…

5. Suicide Bombers – Now, this is not to say I’m a fan of other types of bombers but suicide bombers are just the worst. Only selfish cowards and mentally disturbed people in need of psychiatric help commit suicide, but then again, these guys would fall in both categories. At least have the balls to deal with the consequences of what you’ve done, suicide bomber. I mean, who knows, you might even get away with it and go on a bombing-spree. 

Sure 72 virgins waiting for you in heaven sounds pretty sweet but how does it work exactly? I mean after the first time they’re not virgins anymore and you're going to be there for an eternity. Then what? Is there an infinite rotation of virgins in suicide bomber heaven? But I digress.

How about next time suicide bomber, you try it without using a bomb? I doubt your God would notice. He’s probably too busy making sure all your predecessors have a steady stream of virgins on deck.

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[1] Leviticus 19:27 You shall not round off the side-growth of your heads nor harm the edges of your beard.

[2] Leviticus 19:28 You shall not make any cuts in your body for the dead nor make any tattoo marks on yourselves: I am the Lord.

[3] Leviticus 19:19 You are to keep My statutes. You shall not breed together two kinds of your cattle; you shall not sow your field with two kinds of seed, nor wear a garment upon you of two kinds of material mixed together.

[4] Deuteronomy 23:1 A man whose testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off may never join the assembly of the Lord.

See what other things The Bible says you can't do here.